Not so different
by Little Winney
Summary: When Jay's mother came back in his life Erin realize that they maybe aren't so different. Linstead story guys.
1. Chapter 1

**_So just for you to know, this story take place after the final. It will be mainly focus about Jay and Erin, their past and their family. I_****_t's a AU, everything came from my imagination._**

**_ Also it's a linstead story. And don't kill me for the mistake you will read, I'm french. _**

**_ I_ _hope you like it. :)_**

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He was staring at her carefully listening every words that came out of Erin's mouth. She just reveal him that her mom came back after years of absence. She was pissed of. He could see it in her eyes.

"Can you believe that ?" She ask him. "She just came back all smiling asking for a second chance. How she dare doing that after all she did " At the end Jay knew she was basically talking to herself. Without thinking he gently grab her hand like he did the night she told him about her past for the first time. It wasn't only to comfort her, it was also a gesture to make her feel better. After Jay knows exactly what she felt for the moment. But he wasn't ready to talk to her about his past or his childhood. It was to hard and to much painful. The number one reason is because he never talk to someone about that. The more he learn about her, more he see that they have a lot in common. But she didn't have a clue about that. Because Erin barely know nothing about her partner.

Erin glance at their intertwined hands and reach her eyes to his. She look at him deeply in his ocean blue eyes enjoying in secret the contact of their skin. Unlike the other time, when he did the same move, she didn't say anything. She just stare at him thinking about this _"One day"_ that could happen so soon now. But suddenly she remembered that she was already with someone. Kelly Severide and that she shouldn't feel that way about her partner. However she didn't take off her hand. This contact feel safe and dangerous at the same time. As the seconds pass she felt his thumb gently caressing her skin. As it become more intimate between them she should have withdraw her hand but at instead of that she place her free hand on his right cheek. They were on fire.

He smile at her as he feel his heart pouting against his chest. He wanted to kiss her, he wanted to pressed his lips against hers, taste the sweetness of her lips. But he didn't do it, it was the wrong time so he fight against the desire. "I...we should probably go home. It's late." He said in a whisper. Erin nodded softy without taking her eyes of him. They both get up of their seat and walk outside. Before doing anything Jay place a sweet kiss on Erin's cheek. "I see you tomorrow." As he was about to walk away she grab his arms forcing him to face her.

"Thank you, you always there for me. And I want you to know that I will always be there for to." They both smile at each other before going home.

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When Jay wake up the next morning he discover with surprise that he had twenty one missed call. But there wasn't any name or number. He stare at his phone during a few seconds and decide to get ready for work without paying attention of those missed called.

As he made his way to his desk and granted everyone Nadia stop him. She was now working with them, she was just answering the phone, but it was a job and with that Erin can keep eyes on her.

"You're mom called, she said she tried to contact you all night long and..she's...she's in the break room."

Slowly the anger take place in him. The words weren't enough to describe how much he blame her for everything that happen to him during his childhood. Because of her, because of her addiction to alcohol he did thirty two foster family. He was only eight when the social service take him away from his mother. She was a alcohol unable to take care of his son. As long as he could remember, his mother was always an alcoholic. But it just got worse when his dad died in war. After his death she continue to drink more and more everyday. She was drunk at his funeral. Jay never forgive her for that or the thing she said to him.

The young detective take a deep breath and made his way to the break room. She was there seating next to his partner. His mother was holding a cup of coffee and Erin was gently smiling to her. Jay clear his throat to make sure she understand he was here. When she reach her eyes and saw him, Jay notice that she open her mouth but didn't say anything. Maybe it was the cold look he give her that that made her becoming dumb.

"Jay." She finally say as she get up and walk toward him.

"Don't touch me." He replied harshly. "Erin...can you tell Voight I'm coming, I have to say a few words to my mom."

Erin nodded in silent and left the break taking care to close the door behind her. At this moment realize that she had maybe more in common that she thought.

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**_What did you guys think of this first chapter ? Something you wanna see in the next ? Tell me. :)_**


	2. Chapter 2

_**So first I wanted to thank you all you for the reviews. I'm happy that you like my story. **_

_**Anyway enjoy this second chapter. :)**_

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**_Chapter two _**

His arms cross on his chest he hadn't say a word since Erin left the room. He was just looking deeply in his mother's eyes with a glance full of anger. After some seconds his mother finally look down, as she was ashamed, ashamed of herself or her act. And she should. Jay blame her for everything that happened to him. He been through hell when he was in those foster family and no words will make him forget that. For him, it's all her fault, she prefer alcohol to her eight year old son. His mother slowly reach her arms but Jay grabbed her hands roughly.

"I said don't touch me." His voice was calm but severe.

"Jay..."

"What the hell are you doing here ?" He ask her not letting her a chance to finish her sentence.

"I'm sober Jay." She smile.

"You're late mom. You should have being sober twenty year ago, you know, when I was eight year old. Remember after dad's death. And even before. When he wasn't at home you where always with your fucking bottle of whiskey. You remember sometimes I had to take off the bottle of your hands. You always being an alcoholic..."

"But I'm sober now." She said trying to walk closer to him. "And I'm sorry."

"Oh you're sorry...my bad...it change everything." He replied sarcastically. "I blame you for everything that happened to me...I hate you. Because you choose alcohol over me. Me, your son." He yelled at her. "You don't know by what I have been through in those foster family, you don't know what they did to me. None many of them were nice with me because most of them wanted just one things, the money at the end of the month."

"What they did to you ?" She ask placing her hands on his face.

"Don't touch me." He yelled push her away from him. "At the beginning I really thought you were gonna come, that you will stop drinking. But After two years I knew it. I Knew that you chose alcohol over me."

"Chose ? You think I chose to being like that ?" She raised her voice.

"You didn't even fight for me mom. Not a single time. Your didn't even believe me." He had know tears in the eyes. Tears that he couldn't contain anymore.

"What are you talking about."

"I talk about the night I... I... told you that...that your fucking friend, Richy tried to rape me...You remember that ? Because I remember dammed right what you said that night. _"It's not possible Jay, he would never do that. Stop lying to me." _I was eight." He yelled at her. "How can you not believe your eight year old son...he tried to raped me and you just ignore it.

"Your dad just d..."

"Don't you dare putting you bad actions on daddy's death." He slowly closed his eyes as memories of his dad came to his mind. He missed him so much. Even if he wasn't always there, Jay was very close with his father. He was close to his mother to, she's not a bad person. She was just not the same when his father was on mission. She was always drinking when he was away.

Once he opened his eyes Jay left the break room without saying another word. He was tired, tired of her. "Get out now." He said harshly in front of his coworker.

"Jay..."

"I don't care if you sober or not...Think about all the pain you caused to me indirectly or directly mom. Think about it. Now you get out."

Tears were running down her face. He watch her crying without doing anything. He didn't care at all. He suffer to much because of her and he's tired of suffering. It's why he don't want to see her again.

"I'm sorry son. Sorry for everything."

"Being sorry didn't change anything and it didn't change the alcoholic you are. Now, please get out or I swear I will put you outside of this district by myself."

The room was silent, no one dare saying something. They all watch Jay's mother left the district in silent. Suddenly Jay felt the glance of all his coworker over him. They wanted to know, he could read that on their face. As he tried to avoiding they eyes contact, he let a tear running down his cheek. He wiped it with his hands hoping that no one see it. Slowly he sat on his chair and as the crew start to talk again Jay he struck hard on his desk making everyone jumped. But he didn't care at all.

"God Halstead you're crazy." Ruzek yelled at him in hand press on his chest.

Without saying a word Jay got up of his chair and left the office in silence. He made his way to the locker room where he sat on the bench then he take his head on his hands and finally let the tears running down his cheeks. Those tears that he was holding for so long now. After all those year he let himself being weak and grants himself the right to cry, something he never did before because every time the tears were ready to fall he think about the others and then hold back his tears for the one who suffered more than him.

After a few seconds Erin decide to follow her partner. She stop in shock in front of him, he was crying. She never saw him like that. She always knew that Jay was one of those tough guy which don't like to show their emotion but she didn't expect to see him cry. She carefully walk toward him as she called his name. He reach his head but didn't look at her. Erin was now seating by his side wondering what his mother did to him in the past. Without saying anything she gently grab his hand but he immediately withdrawn it.

"Don't touch me." At this time his voice was only a whispered. She could fell the fear in his voice. It was like he was scared of something. Right now even if she don't know anything about him, his past, his childhood she decide to told him what Voight once told her. "Hey Jay, you have to remember that when someone touch you it's not only to hurt you." She ignore by what he been through but she was sure that he suffered. But when she meet his glance she understand that not only he suffered because of his mother but he also suffered physically. She could tell that it wasn't the first time someone tell him that. As much as she wanted to know more about him she refrained to asking anything. It was pretty much clear that he didn't want to talk about that. Then she carefully take him in her arms, he needed this, he needed her and she promise to be by his there for him like he did for her so many times.

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**_So how did you find this chapter ? Any subjection or idea the next chapters ?_**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Hi**__** everybody, here is the new chapter. I hope you will like it and again forgive me for the mistake you will read.**_ **_And thank you for the reviews you guys are to amazing. Thank you. :)_**

**_Enjoy. :)_**

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**_Chapter tree _**

It was nearly eight p.m. and they just finish all the paper work they have to do. Jay was standing in front of a mirror alone in the locker room. He slowly remove his t-shirt to the scars on his back. The mark of a belt could easily be seen on his skin. With fingertips he touched his bare skin and his scars wondering why some people did that to him. He was only a child and he didn't do anything wrong. The anger that leave deep inside him resurface and he struck the mirror roughly. A little blood dripping from his hand so he wiped it on his pants.

"What the hell." Atwater entered in the room and he walk toward his locker. Off course Jay notice the eyes of the young detective focus on his back.

"Stop it." He said, jaw clenched as he quickly put his shirt on. Atwater watch his coworker during a few seconds wondering why he act so weirdly today. Maybe it was about his mother. After it could be they didn't close at all, he even seem to hate his own mother. "We go at Molly's tonight, Ruzek buy wanna come bro." He look at him but didn't say anything. He for sure needed a few drinks after today. "You know...if...you ever need to talk."

"I don't feel the to talk about anything Atwater." Jay interrupt him not wanting to heard what he had to say.

"If you say so." He said as he left the locker room.

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The first things his eyes catch when he inter in the bar was Erin. She was smiling, and was holding a glass of whiskey in her right hand. Antonio was standing next to her, in front of them there was Burgess Atwater and Ruzek. He slowly made his way to his coworker but stop when he notice that Severide was also present. He wasn't in mood for that. He didn't wanted to seeing him. Not tonight. As he start to walk away he heard Erin calling him and invite him at the table, he close his eyes and walk toward them taking a seat next to the her. Erin gently give him her whiskey knowing that he needed it. But he didn't drink it. He just star at the glass and the amber liquid and after a few seconds he finally drank.

"So how it's doing with Laura ?" Jay ask to Antonio.

"She don't want to see me, and I miss the kids so...not good. And you, your mother ? I mean...

"Drop it." It was the only thing he said. He didn't wanted to talk about her and after all there isn't so much to say about her except that she's an alcoholic and that she never stand by his side even when he told her that someone tried to rape him. Ritchy, Jay remember all too well this day. It was twenty two years ago and he was pretty sure that his mother don't believe him today. She will never believe that her best friend tried to do something like that. Not even after all those years. As the time past Jay begin to be tired of watching Erin and her fireman laughing and smiling, tired of the look Atwater give to him since he came in the bar and most of it he was tired of thinking.

"Hey you alright ?" Erin ask him when she notice that he didn't say a word.

Unintentionally she had placed her hand on his arm. But Jay withdrew his arm immediately. At this moment she knew for sure that someone hurt him in his childhood. She could see it in his eyes. He was afraid of something. She watch him closing his eyes and open it again.

"Yeah I'm good." He replied with a smile on his lips.

At around ten p.m Erin find herself alone with her partner. The others left about five minutes ago. And since then neither of them say a word. They just start at each other like the last night. She felt like there was only the two of them and she forgot everything. She forgot that her mother wanted to dine with her tomorrow, she forgot how she felt about her and she even forgot Severide. It wasn't the alcohol, she didn't drink that much, it was Jay. Just him who make her feel better. And she could tell by the smile on his lips and the look in his eyes that he feel the same.

It was crazy that just by one look he can feel better, her presence make him feel better. He surprise himself forgetting about everything. He was glad that she was there, not wanting to talk about his mother or something else. They were just seat here, face to face, in silence.

As much as she wanted to ask him about his mother she stay quiet. She take a sip of her beer without taking her eyes of him. It was intense. "Can I ask you a favor ?"

"Name it." He smile.

"My mom would like to dine with me tomorrow night and...I don't want to be alone with her so..."

"I have no plans for tomorrow night. I will be there."

"Thank you." She replied in a whispered glad that he just accept even if she was sure that he will accept her favor. They quickly smile at each other, it's at this moment that she feel the need to talk. "You know, when I was a kid, my mom was really often stoned. So soon enough I had to handle the problem by myself. My dad was in jail and I would never see him again so my mom was the only family left. Then Charlie comes and...I did the same mistake my mom did in the past. I take drugs." When she stop and look at him, a smile appear on her lips. Even if she know that he will never judge her she was glad to see no judgment in his eyes. All she could see was a this little smile on his lips. "At least you didn't do like you mother." She finish referred about alcoholism of his mother. "You're a strong person."

"You're stronger than me Erin. In fact you're one of the stronger women that I know. You been through hell and you're still here." he gently grab his hand and saw her smile once again and suddenly he felt strange that she let him grab her hand but him didn't. "I'm sorry about...this morning. I just...when I was a kid I didn't like people touching me...I just..." He voice break a little but he continue. "There was a time I believe that when someone touch me it was only to hurt me and..."

"But it's not only to hurt you." She breath and stroke his cheek. "It's to show that we love you or care about you. I care about you and seeing you like that this morning...I never saw you like that before.

"I learn to...not let my feelings blow in my face. I learn to hold my tears and to shut my mouth."

"What happened ?" She ask him as she remove her hand from his cheek to his hand.

"Not tonight Erin, I can't." He murmured knowing he wasn't ready yet to talk about his childhood. It was to hard, he was scared. Scared of being reject like his own mother did in the past. He wasn't ready to tell someone _"He tried to rape me"_ Because the only time he did his mother didn't believe him. For the moment Jay wasn't ready to say anything but he know he should. Because after all, whatever happened Erin will be stand by side.

"Maybe one day."

"Us or...me talking about my...past."

"Maybe both." She whispered without taking his eyes of him.

"I'm not so sure about the second one actually."

"But you sure about "Us" ?"

"Definitely." He answer as he came closer to her, he was totally lost in his eyes. He couldn't think straight. All he wanted for now was to kissing her. But it wasn't the wrong timing. She was with Severide and all those memory bring him tears in the eyes. It's why he pressed a gently kiss on his cheek.

She couldn't tell she wasn't surprise, she really thought he was gonna kiss her. But he didn't do. Instead of that he just kiss her cheek. She wasn't angry about him, not at all, because they couldn't. There was Severide, and they were also partner. They couldn't. "I see you tomorrow."

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**_What did you think ? Anything you want to see in the next chapters ? Tell me, tell me._**


	4. Chapter 4

**_Hi everyone, I hope you will enjoy this chapter and again thank you for the reviews. Love you all. :)_**

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**_Chapter four_**

It wasn't over yet. After a long day at work she still has to face her mother tonight. But at least she will not be alone, Jay will be there, fortunately. She needed him, she needed her partner, her friend. She needed him to grab her hand if something goes wrong tonight. She needed him to cheer her up, after his one the only person which can do that. They have to be at the restaurant at nine p.m. they have plenty of time to prepare themselves.

"What are you doing tonight ?" Antonio ask to the rest of the unit.

"Sleep. Oh good I need to sleep so badly." Explain Adam as he he throw on the desk. "You ?"

"I don't know, I should called Laura but...I don't know."

"I see my mom." Erin finally said. "And my mother and I are not pretty close so..."

"Like Halstead with his mother"

"You think it's funny Atwater ? Elizabeth and I were never close and we will never be." Jay declare roughly his eyes focus on his computer.

"That's pretty hard don't you think ? I mean...she's your mom."

"You know Dawson I don't need you fucking advice." This time he remove his eyes from the screen to Antonio. "Sorry I...Sorry." Jay got up of his chair saying goodnight to everyone has he left the office in silence.

"Why he act like that ?" Olinski intervenes as he grab his jacket looking at Lindsay.

"Why are you looking at me like that ? I don't know nothing." Now it was her time to got up of her chair and put on her jacket. "I should go if I don't want to be late. Night guys."

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It was nine p.m. when someone knock. She slowly made her way the door and open it. Without surprise she found her partner standing in front of her. He was really elegant. He was wearing a black suit with a blue shirt. They stare at each other for about a minute then Erin remind that they were late and should already be at the restaurant.

"You're late." She said crossing her arms against her chest.

"Yeah I know I'm sorry, I... "

"We're late Halstead, we don't have time for this." She exclaimed taking her coat in her hand and closing the door behind her.

At the restaurant they were both waiting for Erin's mother to come. She was late and she start to think that one again her mother will disapoint her. She look at her partner witch was standing next to her, he was playing with the chain around his neck. Soon enough she understand that it was his "dog tag" like they said. His military chains. She could tell that because of the two little plates that she think she saw.

"You never remove them ?" Jay look at her a little lost and she point the chain.

"Never." He replied seriously. "It's a part of me."

As Erin was a about to ask Jay to take her home, her mother came into the restaurant. Her mother look at them and walk toward the table holding his hands together. She wasn't really at ease. Then Jay got up holding out his hand.

"Hi, I'm Jaycob but I hate that, so please call me Jay. I'm Erin's partner."

"Angie." She shook his hands. "So since when you two work together ?" She ask them when they finish to order.

"A year." Erin replied simply as she take a sip of red wine. "Are we really doing that ? Talking about everything and nothing ?"

"I know I screw up, I just want a second chance Erin."

"A second chance ?" She said nastily and Jay gently grab her hand in the hope to calm her down. And it work. "You have it tonight."

Then the silence take place between them. Right now Jay wasn't at ease. No one was talking and he didn't dare saying something. It was weighing and really awkward. But when Erin leave the table to go to the bathroom Jay take the initiative to talk.

"I don't know you it's why I will not judge you. I care a lot about Erin, more than I should, and I don't want to see her...sad because her mother mess up again. She give you a second chance, if I was her, I wouldn't have give you a second chance. But I don't know you, I don't know what happened, but give me a favor, don't screw up. Because she will never forgive you."

"You're not the type of guy to forgive."

"I would never forgive the one who hurt me, especially if the wounds are still open." He replied as he saw Erin coming back. He watch her sat at the table in silence and give her a quick smile. Judging by her look he could tell that she was glad to be here with him. It was nearly eleven when they left the restaurant. Jay drove to Erin's place and and accompanied her to the door.

"Thank you Jay...for everything. Oh god should I called you Jaycob ?" She smile.

"Funny."

"Wanna come in ?"

He nobbed in silence and entered in her apartment. As soon as they came in Erin kick of her shoes, passing her hands on heels. Then she walk straight to her couch. He sat next to her as she ask him if he wanted a beer. Which she answer that if he wanted one he had to get it by himself. So he brought two beers and give one to his partner.

"Jaycob." She laugh. "Sorry."

"It's my grandfather's name, he died in 1966 during the Vietnam war. My dad was sixteen, they were really close it's why he give me his name."

"Vietnam war ?"

"Yeah my dad to, he join the army when he was eighteen. I did the same." He explain to her taking a sip of his beer.

"And your dad ?" She risk herself to ask.

"Dead, twenty two years ago." He breath. "He was my hero." Jay began, his eyes lost somewhere in the room, he wasn't looking at her now. "You know one day, at school, we have to dress like our heroes. My dad said that I should dress up as batman or Hulk Hogan I said yes. And the next day, when he was about to take me to school he saw me dress with a pale green shirt, a black tie, his tie, a dark green jacket and dark green pants. I don't remember when I found them but I remember his reaction. He ask me who I was because I wasn't batman or either Hogan." He rubbed his face. "I said that I was him, because he was my real hero." He slowly close his eyes and felt a hands on his cheek. He look at Erin, she wiped the tear who had run. "I miss him, I miss my dad so much." He declared throat tight.

"It's after his death that your mother start to drink ?"

He shook his head. "No. She had been drinking since...a long time ago. When dad wasn't at home, she was scared, scared that something happen to him I think so...she drunk. I broke her last bottle of whiskey, I was six, she...she lock me in a small room for hours. I...I'm claustrophobic."

"She did what ?" She ask him appall, hoping that she didn't heard what she thought.

"Don't make me repeat." He said as he laid his head on her shoulder. They stay here, in silence during long minutes. His head rest on her shoulder, she watch him. She never saw him so weak. It was like she had this little boy who suffer so much because of his mother in her arms. Then he reach his head looking deeply in his eyes pressing his forehead to hers. They both wanted it. Her heart was pounding against her chest, it's at this moment that Jay pressed his lips against hers. It was a soft kiss, something really intimate. It fell good, so good to finally taste his lips but at the same time it fell so wrong. It's why she gently put her hand on his chest pushing him away from her a little. "We can't" She whispered but it wasn't because of Severide, she totally forget him, it was , because they were partner and it wasn't the right time, she could fell a salty taste on her lips. "You shouldn't have kissed me."

"I know" He replied. "But I wanted to, since a long time now. I'm gonna go." He got up quickly.

"Jay..."

"I'm gonna see...my dad. Goodnight Linds."

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_**What did you think of this chapter ? Just a little spoiler in the next chapter you will see a confrontation between Severide and Halstead. **_


	5. Chapter 5

**_Hello everyone. :) _**

**_Once again I wanted to thank you all for the reviews. And I also want to know if you want to see something particular in the story. If you have any idea tell me. So this chapter is pretty long, I didn't really like it, especially the end. _**

**_I Hope_****_ you will enjoy it anyway. :)_**

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**_Chapter five_**

He was standing here all alone in this military cemetery, in front of his grave's dad. He was holding his hand together, not because of the cold, it was a hot evening, but mostly because he want to respect his father. It's been five or ten minutes that he was here without moving or saying anything.

"Hi dad." He say in a whispered. "Mom his back, I don't how to deal with that. I mean...I don't like her. I hate her. I can't...I can't forgive her." He rubbed his neck "I'm sorry dad, I didn't told you everything. I should have told you that she was drinking when you wasn't there." Jay stop during a few seconds. "I should have told you. Sorry dad." He knelt near the grave touching this white cross where the name of his dad his name was engraved. "I miss you dad...bye." He touch the white cross one last time and left the cemetery.

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"So what do you think guys ? Ok for a few drink tonight at Molly's ? Ruzek began, removing his jacket. "Oh come on guys. Halstead, Lindsay, Atwater ?"

"You buy ?" Jay ask him with a smile. "Because I don't have any money so..."

"I'll buy."

"Count on me Ruzek." Atwater answer. "Yeah me too." Lindsay replied as Antonio said that he's agree for tonight.

"Free night." Jay said as he walk to the break room holding his mug.

"Hey." He heard a small voice. It was Erin. She walk toward him hanging him her mug, he serve her without looking at her. "Look Jay, about last night..."

"Don't tell me to act like it's never happened, because I can't." He turn to face her and look at her into the eyes. Why it as to be so complicated. It always been complicated for him. During his childhood, when he was in the army and of course when he came back from Afghanistan. God knows how it was hard for him to return in his country, in the his city, the city where he grown up, and however felt like a perfect stranger. It was hard and complicated, during two or three months he even sleep on the floor with the radio on because he cannot stand the silence anymore. But the hardest was maybe that his own mother wasn't there for him, again. Today she would say _"It's complicated"_ Like she always said when he was a kid. And he was tired, tired of hearing those words. "Give me a favor, don't say it's complicated."

"Well it is. You kiss me and..."

"I get it we don't talk about that." As he was about to left the break room Erin grab his arms." Don't touch me." He said harshly remembering the time in the foster family or the moment when the best friend of his mother made a same move with a little _"Where are you going kiddo ?". _"Erin, please, let me go.

"What happened ? What do you act like that ? You never did before."

"Because I was trying to forgot but since my mom is back...I just can't."

"If you don't want to talk, it's ok, but I'm here for..."

"Oh you know it's complicated." he said sarcastically.

"Don't act like that."

"How I should act ? Should I just forget and shut my mouth. I always did that in the past and I know it's not the right thing to do. It's get harder if we keep everything inside..."

"You're not talking about the kiss right now don't you ?" She ask him.

He lean on the table passing his through his hair. Erin watch him closing his eyes as he breath loudly. She saw his lips moving but didn't heard anything. "You're not the only that have a messy past Erin. Mine is fucking mess to. First there is my mom, then her best friend this fucking pedophile and those foster family. I was eight...only eight year old." He whispered.

"Jay..."

"Forget what I said, it's not important." He replied as he left the break room. The though man walk straight toward his desk avoiding his coworker. He was tired, tired of seeing the same picture in his mind, tired to make the dream. He thought he had turn the page, but then his mother came back and all his bad memories resurface. "What ?" He practically yell at Dawson, which was trying since about a minutes to catch his attention.

"My sister called, your mother is at 51. She insist to call you Jay, you should go pick her up and place her in a safe place."

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"I'm tired of you." He said as he push the door and enter in the room. Shay was sitting right beside his mother, holding her hand gently. Like she was the one to comfort. And they were all there looking at him like he was the bad guy of the story.

"Hey calm down." Gabby said placing her hand on his chest.

"Why did you called me ?"

"You're my son." She replied tears in the eyes still holding Shay's hand.

"I hate you with all my heart and all my soul, but sometimes I love you. It's weird don't you think ? I don't even know why." He sat at the edge of the couch. "Do you love me mom ? Because if you do, you should leave me alone. All I see when I look at you is...I'm tired. Tired of you, tired of your behavior. Can you just leave me alone, stopping rehash the past all over again ?" He look the people in the room which were staring at him. "If only you where there when I came back from Afghanistan. I could I forgive you. But you weren't there, yet I told one of my friend to called you. I needed you but not anymore. I'm tired of being disappointed by you, by my own mother."

"I'm so sorry." Her voice was only a whispered but he heard her words.

"I know you are, but it's didn't change anything, be sorry will not make me feel better. You know how I feel mom ? I feel ashamed for letting people hurting me. I feel weak and ashamed for haven't anybody but you about your friend. I feel guilty for the other childrens because I'm pretty sure I was the first and I feel stupid for not letting anyone touching me because I'm to scared. I'm frightened by the idea of them hurting me again." The tears were running down his cheeks even if he tried to hold them so badly. Jay rubbed his face looking as his mother. Shay was still next to her, but she suddenly let go of her hand. The room was silence. But then someone push the door. It was Erin.

"We need to...You're alright ?" She ask concern walking toward him. "Jay ?"

Their eyes meet and all she could see was the tears running down his cheeks. Once again he was crying but at the same time he was trying so badly to hold back his tears. It's broke her to see how vulnerable he was at the moment. She was broken to see her friend, her partner, the man she care about, the man she love more than she should like that. She was broken but for sure she was less than him. She could see it in his eyes. But suddenly Jay stood walking toward his mother a glance full of anger.

"I loved you mom, actually I love the woman you were when dad was at home. Because you weren't drunk all the time. I love this person, but I hate, with all heart and all my soul the woman you were when he was away. I don't want to see you mom." He finish in a whispered. "Never again. Please leave me alone."

* * *

Since this morning at the firehouse Erin has to face a dumb Jay. He didn't say a word during all the day and know he wasn't at Molly's. Right now all she wanted was to find him but at the time she wanted to give him some space. Maybe he needed to be alone, after all sometimes all she want to be alone. She was alone at the table with only Burgess.

"So you and Severide...?" Burgess ask her taking a sipe of her beer.

"I will not talk about that with you."

"Oh come on is he good in bed."

"I will not talk about my sex life with you." She replied.

"You know Ruzek is..."

"I don't want to know actually." Erin smile at her but she was still concern by Jay.

"So you're gonna tell what your problem is or what ?"

Erin turn to face the young officer and she just whispered a quiet _"It's Nothing"_ Then she take a sip of her beer and didn't nothing more. "Come on Lindsay spit it out." She heard her to say and at the same heard Kelly's voice. His voice was a little harsh, and it seems like he was arguing with someone so she decide to see what was going on. She saw Severide and Halstead face to face ready to fight.

"Something funny ?" Severide hissed, his jaw tightened.

"You." Jay replied all smiling, but lose it when Severide brought his hand to his chest to push Jay. "Don't...don't touch me." The young detective warn him and finish to push him away from him roughly enough to make him waver and stumble into a table. He got up and punch him in the face. The bar was now in silence.

"Oh come one fireman, I'm sure you can do better." As he was about to trow another one Erin put her hand on his chest and pushed him away from Jay. "What the hell ?" Was the think she said.

"Your boyfriend wanted he wanted me to apologize because I accidentally trow my whiskey on him." He pause and smile a little. "I told him I didn't do in purpose but of course he didn't believe me."

"Your jealous I get it but it's didn't mean you have to act like jerk."

"You should be jealous, after all she kiss me dumbass." He smirk

"Stop it both of you." She yelled and pushed them away from each other. Her hands on their chest she tried to calm them down.

"It is true ?" Kelly ask her.

At this moment Antonio, Kim and Adam take Jay outside as Erin stay with Severide. Jay punch the wall several times, at first his coworker tried to calm him down like Erin tried before but they failed miserably. Right now they were watching letting his frustration blow out of him. "You're done ?" Kim ask him approaching him slowly.

"You know if Voight ever learn about..." Antonio stop his sentence when he saw his hands shaking.

"Why did she came back ?" Although they knows he was practically talking to himself right now, Adam understand he was talking about his mother. The tree of them sat next to Jay in silence not waiting for him to talk. For about ten minutes they just stay here in silence until Erin walk toward them proposing to bring Jay home.

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**_This chapter was pretty long and I hope you like it what did you think ?_**


	6. Chapter 6

_**Here the chapter six, hope you will enjoy it and please forgive me for the mistake you read.**_

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_**Chapter six**_

"You didn't have to say that." She said breaking the silence between them as she pulled her car in the parking.

"I know, I hope it doesn't change anything..."

"No you don't." She cut him of as he nodded silently. "Are you gonna tell me anything ? Jay I told you some things about my past that I didn't tell to anybody and you...you keep pushing me. why ? I just want to be there for you."

"So you're not angry ?"

"Why do you think I'm not, because I'm worried about you ? I ended things with Kelly because of you, because you can't keep mouth shut." The laugh of her partner made her anger grown in her. Was he mocking of her right know ?

"I always did Erin. You know I never told my father that mom was drinking when he wasn't there or that she enjoyed locking his children in a closet. I told you that I'm claustrophobic. You can't imagine how I feel when I was there. I was so scared, I could not breathe. I was just a kid." He said trying to avoiding her glance.  
Suddenly she remember one thing that he said early today about the friend of his mother, then she remind that he use the world pedophile. At this moment the only thing she could thing was _"What he did to him ?"_

"And...the...the friend of your mother." She whispered as she caught his eyes. "You...this morning you told me...what happen ?"

"Nothing." He replied placing on hand on his belt. "He did nothing."

The idea of someone touching him, hurting him make her feel sick. And he was only a little boy. In the job she saw a lot of abuse child but she never tough for one second that Jay was one. He maybe didn't say anything but she understand anyway.

"Please Jay talk to me."

"What do you wanna know ?" The tears run down his cheeks, this time he wasn't even trying to hold them back. "That he tried to rape when I was eight, that he put his hands...here." He said placing his hand under his belt. "You want to know how he pulled my pants down, what he whispered in my ear when he pulled my underwear down or you want to know how I push my thumb in his right eyes to stop him." He pass his hand on his face. "When I told my mother...she didn't even believed me." She watch him weep his tears not knowing what to say. "I'm ashamed. I let people touch me, hurt me and I feel so dirty. I though I turn the page, but she came back and, I can still feel his hands on me, I can still feel the leather belt whipping my back and can heard them slam against my skin. I can feel the blood...then I promise myself that no one will ever touch me or hurt me again.

"Jay..." She whispered softy.

"You didn't have to know that. That's the past, it's not important."

"Somebody tried to rape, people hit you, it's important Jay."

"Don't you think I know that." He yelled at her. "I just want to forget, I want to turn the page...You know Erin I have many others things that keep me awake at night. Like when I was in the army, since I came back I made those dreams, it's more like nightmare. I saw the bodies of child, men, women everywhere on the sand. The blood on my hands and...I then my mother came back. I already have to deal with what I did or saw in Afghanistan and now I also have to deal with that. My mother bring me back all the bad memories." A long silence take place between them, after several minutes Erin take the initiative to put her hand on his, and if her thumb she began to caress his skin softly. He turn to face her and a little smile appear on his lips. She was glad that he didn't push her away.

"Can I stay with you tonight at your place ?"

"Sure." She simply answer not asking why he didn't wanted to at home, his home.

* * *

"I love your place." Jay said watching at the dark sky in front of him. "It so much better than mine and you have a great view."

"Jay..."She begin but he cut her off.

"Can we just not talk about what I said in the car. I need to move on. If I keep talking, I will never be able to...put this behind me."

"I totally understand but actually I was going to ask you if you didn't mind to sleep with me, the couch isn't that good." She fake a little smile not knowing how she had to react after what happen.

"I don't see any problem with that." He smile at her and sat on the couch. "But I...I...I often let the radio on when I go to sleep. The silence drive me nuts, I'm use...I mean in Afghanistan I use to heard something every time, the noise of bomb, of the planes but the silence...it wasn't really a good sign when the silence take place."

"So I will let the radio on, no problem and what you are listening ? It's CD or the radio, I know you love Johnny Cash" She smile at him as she sat next to him. She could tell that he was a little shy to said that but she quickly saw a smile on his lips. "But I don't have any Johnny Cash here sorry."

"You can just let the radio Erin it will be fine."

It was nearly one p.m. when Erin laid on her bed waiting Jay to finish his shower. After five minutes she saw walking toward her just in boxer and t-shirt. His hair were still wet which make him ever more sexy than usual. Jay slowly sat at the edge of the bed as she turn the radio on. Then he laid under the sheets turning his head to face her while she turn of the light.

"You sure it will not bother you...the radio ?" He ask her.

"Don't worry about that. Oh and Halstead..." She called him one last times. "Stick on your side."

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**_Hope you liked this chapter. :) Tell me your opinion and maybe what you want to see in the next chapter._**


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